The Only Way Out Is Through

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect.

It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

“Tears are words the heart can't express.”

 
Do you allow yourself to experience your feelings, or do you try to talk yourself out of them with “positive thinking?” 

Do you feel guilty for feeling sad or angry?

Today, with everyone talking about the power of positive thinking, I think people have lost sight of “feeling” and are denying themselves their true experience.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a firm believer in positive thinking and know the power of the mind.  I teach people how to change their thinking and how to write and work with affirmations.  I do believe that “your word is your wand” and “whatever you focus upon expands.”

I also believe that feelings are good and must be felt.  Emotion is simply “energy in motion.”  It is neither good nor bad.  It simply is.  Personally, I think people have cut themselves off from themselves.  When I ask clients what they are feeling, they reply, “I think …” or “I don’t know.”  A lot of people are numb, and if they’re not numb, they feel guilty for how they feel.

When working at an addiction treatment facility, we always told our patients, “The only way out is through.”  Pretending like something doesn’t exist doesn’t solve the problem.  It only perpetuates it.  It will surface somewhere–often in the body, resulting in illness or in addictive behaviors, such as over-eating, drinking, gambling, or using sex to numb out.

There is a difference between feeling one’s feelings and being a “victim” or using it as an excuse to not take action.  If you feel something, feel it fully and move on.  You don’t have to identify with it–just feel it, release it, and let it go.  Check in with yourself on a regular basis and ask yourself, “How am I feeling in this moment?  What sensations are running through my body?”  Start getting in touch with how your body feels.

When people ask me how I am doing, I tell them the truth, even if I am not feeling great.  I may say, “I am having an off day, but I know it’s going to get better,” or “I am feeling sick, but I am holding the vision of perfect health and visualizing my body healing quickly.”  In both these examples, I stated the truth and also affirmed a positive vision for myself.  I didn’t wallow in my experience and didn’t deny it either.  I also didn’t go into a long “story” of why or “poor me” or “what I may have done wrong.”  I was honest and set a positive intention for how I intend to feel. 

If you noticed in the example above, I did not say “I am sick.”  Rather, I said, “I am feeling sick.”  There is a difference.  I commented on my feeling, not who I am as a person.  When using “I am” statements, it is important to affirm what you want as it is a strong declaration.

Years ago I struggled with an eating disorder and food issues, and once I started getting in touch with how I felt, I lost weight without being on a diet.  Not only did I honor my feelings, I communicated them in a loving way to those around me and stopped acting as if I was perfect.  Not only did it help with my eating disorder and weight issues, but people felt closer to me and appreciated my vulnerability and honesty.  It strengthened my relationships, most importantly, my relationship with myself.

I want to reiterate the importance of feeling your feelings AND holding a positive intention for yourself.  Usually, it doesn’t take more than a few minutes to feel your feelings fully and move through them.  A great way for getting in touch with your body is through meditation or deep breathing.

Often when speaking to clients on the phone, they will start off speaking a million miles a minute.  Numerous times, I have interrupted a client and said, “Stop talking.  Take 10 deep breaths from your belly.”  Within seconds, these clients are crying.  A few minutes later, they say they feel much better.  They just needed to release all the tension built up in their body.  That was it.  Not scary, not life-threatening, not “negative.”  It was just a quick release and acknowledgment of their true feelings.  Within minutes, they are back on track and feeling much better, but this time, when they say, “I feel great,” it is the truth!

Remember, feelings are neutral.  You determine whether or not you are going to allow them to hinder your progress.  In my world, all feelings are okay.  I feel them, I express them, and I let them go.  I then move on to what I want I want to create in my life.  I do not allow them to get in the way of my dreams, and I do not let them dictate how I am going to live the present or the future.  I also do not pretend that they don’t exist.  Life is too short to live a lie.